where am i

honestly
i am new
its been so long

but now
i am half dead
should i go back 2 the old times?
where i feel just free
toilet bowl, bunch of foods with me

somebody said i am fat .stupid.

all this things
gonna trigger me back
i want 2 feel free
like i use 2 be?? oh help me
i don't feel such a reality

da issue dat u will never understand

look at me now

i purge again today
when im alone at home
im so down depressed
by them
they who always badmouth me
what im doing
what i eat
i dun get it
why shud they care
i know how to take care of myself
what i do is never been their business
i am annoyed.i truly am.

n my system
i am happy how i start not 2 b more triggered by food
i lose my appetite
i can have control

dear self, please hold on
watever may comes, fight till the end
cos i am thiny me.dats wat im reaching for n gonna b.
i can do this. u all also can.

where do i start

lets go, me n u :)

M.I.A

hello all darls.. anamia girls..
OMG. yea, im back.
sorry for all da M.I.A-missing in action things..
u know wats wrong wif all da world nowadays.
ive got involved wif da revolution riot things,
not dat i took part in it, but da place where im studying is..
then ive been sent back 2 my hometown 4 about 2 3 months..
thnk god im safe.

n now i am back,
honestly damn truly, ive been thinking about u all.
n yup, i miss mia n ana. i gain weight again,
last nyte, i can't really study.
im thinking why did i lose my grip when i can control things??
i just want a perfect body, a perfect soul.

maybe i shud take down the weight chart above,
n hell yeah, gonna change all
da background, da music, well u know,
i shud not give up. i can start again.


a new page.
where da rest is still unwritten.

again,i miss u.i really am.*seems annoying huh.lol*
-always. gottabsomebody <3-

revenge is sweeter than u ever were

im depressed with all da exam stuff

its not easy. no wonder some ppl just gave up their study

but i love my future, parents who gave everyting

n i love my body

so few weeks on focusing,
im eating but restrict.
n im taking all my housemates n friends bad talk
their madness. envyness. 'busybody'ness. haha
i hide in my room when they eat
n when i eat with them im taking longer time in toilet after that
mia is closer than me in dis period stage
but i need you ana

i dun feel great.
when i see da num increased
but a smile is back
cos i just saw my GW is on da scale
i love u scale.
i can see my collarbone, my hipbone is appearing
but i really need a thigh gap. n a smaller face. *mybe plastic surgery?. haha*

i know i can do this. i know we all can.
u all keep inspire me.
especially ryte now there r many anamia tumblr.
n i love it. thanks ppl.
so lets start a new GW.
n dun forget 2 wish me luck. im still having my exam.

dun worry, tomorrow is always a new day. wat u need 2 do is, JUST believe in urself. stop worrying n be calm. dats y we have each other. <3
*im keeping my track in twitter*

demn

yea damn
damn n damn

here comes da feast. one week holiday.
ive got my good friend came from other town
n u know wat happened, we kept hanging out
n she took control of me. she took control of wat came into my body.

n i damn hate me.
i gained weight again, to 53kg..
ive kept thinking, ive been hold on for so long,
y am i so stupid..

blahhh...**** off...
ive got new buddy at twitter..
tomorrow, 19th -26th, im gonna start the 'thanksgiving fasting'..
lets see wat will hppen..

gonna b hiatus..cos ive got midterm coming...
doodles to all!! n keep on fighting!!

never good enough

ya, i love this song. i am proud of me.
i believe, i shud not listen 2 others.i shud listen 2 me.

while writing this, i am eating vegie..
just small amount.. due to my headache..
n ive got test at class today, n yay, i can't answer it.
damn shit.

but on da bright side, im starting my restrict last week..
em, restrict almost to fasting..
n last thursday, ive got huge headache, throw up a lot of liquid.
yup, my housemates once again making dat as A BIG DEAL that i must face..
they keep asking about my eating..
lately they ask ALOT.. they try to control me..
but sory, i want to have a perfect body, so here im da one who's having control..
its become easier since my roomate had moved out..
i can lock myself in the room, exercise and faking eat anytime i want..

n the great is, still rmber dat when i get back here, i gained weight..
its 54kg actually.. now due to the restrict, im back to 51kg..
im loving this.i can feel my collarbone. now waiting for my hipbone 2 appear. friends, who i loved, i need u..
please add me at ur twitter, so we can keep in touch..
n to anyone who's got any idea about supplements,protein shake or energy drink,
please let me know!
cos im searching for it now..

n 2 ana buddies, love ya.keep strong.
we may not be gud enough, but we are thinning 2 perfection.
.WE CAN DO THIS.

here we go again

i dun wanna regret cos i know dat world mean useless
sorry, for all dis time long dat i haven't write..


after da last post, all da struggling with final xam.
i went back home to far far away land..
n fullstop.we all know wat happened when it got to do with family.
when im not eating, mummy urge me 2..
cos when i got back, she said i looked skinny..

but now, ****, when i got back here, ppl said i look chubby..
yeah, for about 2 months, i gained mybe 2kgs??or 4kgs??
i really dun wanna c da number. cos it hurts me..

n here we start a new college life, me n housemates..
then, im starting dis week..
im not sponsoring part of my money 2 da ous fund, n i said i don wanna eat for dis week..
sudden, all my housmie bcame so damn bizzared bout dis..
y they have 2 care about it?? i know how 2 look after my own body..
i really dun get it..

just, im trying my best 2 get back 2 me..
n we'll see... that i am me..
i just missed u all ladies!!!
miss u very much...ana...

im sick??

am i sick?? ive been stressed out lately.. yup, bcause of stdy.. n i just knew dat da author of da NEW MNF had gone for a break... n me?? i did fast 4 da MNF for 2days,losing 1 kg..
then i knew LEMON had gone.. but lets support each other.. everyone has their own reason..
n she just need some time...just b strong LEMON~

n me,
em...yesterday,im not fasting..
bcause of da xam..
my adrenaline had put an impct strength on me (y im using dis term???lol)
i dunno if bcause of dat mia had come again 2 my life 4 da past few days..
n ysterday, me and all of my housemates had gone 4 lunch 2gether...
n back at home, i purged...alot...
n i dunno y im so tired yesterday evening...

so its ok,
2day i start fasting again...
i shud never give up...shud i??
i shud never say never ryte??
im worried since im taking dental course,
my prof used 2 mention bout mia...
n there is one of my buddies who knew bout dis,
n keep watching her eyes on me...
she shud shut her mouth i think...

..watever it is..ana n mia is my best buddies.. ..think thin..i believe in me n u..

im a hero

life's such a hectic
im gettin tired n stress due 2 my study life dat i sacrifice
n now, ive got exam in each week??? WTh
owh yeah..2 things stucked in my mind
-study -weight me

n all my frens..we're just few n all r away from families..
each weekend, we make a gathering...
n when there's a gathering, there must b food ryte??
n yup, i ate a lot..
i thought i need energy for xam.. so i ate?? lol..
n alot means...binging for 4 days in a row..
sucks ryte..

i need a company...a buddy..a booster..
then i found a new site..
which will make u think dat u're living in a light fairy princess's castle..
its totally supportive...i love it...
n guess wat, da MNF had start again...
its called N0t Too LAte MNF...n im joining...

since im rarely on9 due to xam,
i'll start 2day n will end 15august...
every1, do join...n lets update each other..
*wish me luck* for xam n dis life*
*p/s- lovin jessica's stroup's backbone*

im a hero of my own story
n i don't need 2 be saved

count on me

i changed my layout
i upload new music
i wanna b fresh n confident anamia
i dun wanna fail
i wanna b succeed
everyday is a new day
n it'll b btter if i can hang on
if not i'll start fresh n new
i want 2 b light n light
no more stress
n dis is a confession dat im still hanging on
i'll do btter

wishing dat 2 all of u 2

-gottabsomebody-
new thinysp0- jessica stroup 90210 (jealousy of her bone) -#-

A NEW ME

OH MY GOD..
its been such along2 time i didn't write..
hoow i reallllly miss all da anas n mias buddies...

so ive got stuck into such a uni conflict..
dat makes me stuck...n travel mostly all da time 2 sttle up da probs...
i travelled n yup i ate..
how ppl will get suicide if they get into my probs..
how u're totally far awy from ur family n need 2 sttle up all da stud illegal issue all by urself..
n ppl really love 2 take others money ryte??
huh...so tired of talkin bout such stupid stuff...

da great news is,
i transfer 2 a great uni...n really starting such a fresh a engine in my study...
n i rented a new big house..n i just got internet...!!!
so 2 my lovely buddies. i'll contct u soon...

n bout my body issue...
here's da thing...i travelled n ate n i got dis huge distract
n i gained weight...55.7kg...sucks isn't it???

then ive been fasting 4 bout 10 days...
eat low cals..but still i just lost till 53.5kg..
im hepy,but my trget is 50 n im not even close...
hurm, so starting yesterday,
i try da non solid fast...
just soup n drinks...wish me luck gurls..
n i MISS u all so muchhhh ;****
(got stuck with studies makes me eat less n if i can, i'll try 2 update k???
next week got quiz!!! ;O...bubye)

drowning in meaningless

here i am..
for long ive been gone..
a month?? yeah...lol
em, its true..im stuck in da mid of my own college's prob...
then about a month ive been out of town..
settling up everytin..n now im back, things still being unsettled..
im so damn jealous wif other frens, having their finals..
n im stuck like hell a politician doing things other than stdy..

im stress out..
i tried 2 fast, i last bout 2 days n i drop from 53.7 to 53.3kg..
see, i can do it if i want it...
n now im back at home, i know dis will b easier..
y not???only me can set my mind...
n internet, no...im using my frens cos my internet connection sucks..
less money, less eat, less internet???

ouh yeah..now i am me..
i watched grey's last nyte..
she said,

the very worst part is dat da minute u think u're past it,
it starts all over again.
n always, everytime, it takes ur breath away..

stupid mood swing

dat gurl is prettythin. i wanna b like her. but..i am no close 2 her.y can't i??

im talking alone.
whispering to myself.
i had dis thought, i wanna flip my body like i used 2 when i was a child.
y can't i do it now??
mybe bcause my fat is so big n makes my body bcome heavy 2 be lift up??

i won't lie anymore. yup, i eat too much today.
like a cow. n i hate myself for doing so.
i hate myself so much. i miss my family so much.
but i decided, i told my housemates that im not gonna tribute money for cooking.
cos i dun wanna eat anymore. mybe just a lil.
n my reason is money. n yup, they said ok.

so wat myself?? all now depends on u.
can't u realize dis?? u stupid fat. please.
so, i won't write. till im satisfied.
so sorry MNF. im out.
i will start counting by my own self.
i'll write when im fasting.
im so dissapointed in my own self.

just sorry. just want 2 b prettythin. like her.so i'll start again all by myself.

[MNF 5] to eight

..day 5..
i make up reasons again today
since i lost my mobile, i used reasons of having no money 2 eat
bcos i had used da money 2 buy a new simcard...
dat's wat i said after me n all my friends went eat at a restaurant after we went back from exam today...
i just ordered a drink-a juice dat i never ever try before..lol ;p

n exam?? yeah..im so dissapointed in myself.. cos i dun study hard as i should to..
i dun want to repeat being da same loser person again.. wat is happening 2 me??? omg... n till nyte, yeah..i dun eat at all... n im starving...n i start 2 feel hungry.. but its ok..lets try our best...i'll make some tea afterwards.. n mybe some pilates since da utube connection is ok...

i think i've changed..i dunno whether im becoming a better or worse person...
i reject food so easily dis few days.. n each time i look at any food, i kept looking at how much cals per serving does it cost...n study, yup, not at all..im becoming more lazy..my life is like so damn meaningless..
no2..i must set my mind, if i keep making my life buzy, i can starve happily..
n one of da thing dat can make me buzy is study...oh me n myself...pleaseee...
* now, i miss my family so much..just wanna go home ...oh myyyy * *but before dat, i need 2 be somebody pretty thin..*

[MNF 4] to seven

ouh yeah...
im not gud..cos i haven't been updatin..
wat can i say is, its been 3 days i have no internet connection at my home..
now it pop out back 4 our MNF update..*its my update actually*
ok,last frid,*i mean yesterday*, me n my housemates had went jogging n exercised around da stadium at our uni..
da best part is we climb up tru da closed gate into da track field...*legally n forbidden ;p*
n for da 1st time, i feel light...haha
how many laps did i jogged??? sorry, uncountable..lol

then we go n have a drink..
n till today, i lie if i haven't eat anytin..
but i eat just a little, bcos my housemate fed me...
they're did notice my change behaviour about food lately..

n last thurs, i had lost one of my fav belongings.. i cried out loud..im so sad..n my housemates were so worried.. i dun wanna eat, but they tried hard 2 make me hepy n fed me.. but no worries, just a little..n im pretty sure all da pilates,yoga n other exercises had help me 2 burn out all da cals...

n i will try not 2 eat anytin start 2morrow..
even today i just had a tea n mirinda apple in da morning..
*dat mirinda i drink in wish dat it will make me hepy after i didn't find my lost belongings n trying 2 accept da fact dat it's lost ;(...*
then tonight maybe coffee cos i wanna stay up for study..;)
just drinks..n btw, i had weighed again last thurs..
i had changed my weight chart..hehe
i thought of buying a weight scale, but here is totally xpensive compared 2 my country..
still, hope all of u r doing great!!!

no matter wat, life needs 2 go on..
we have 2 move on..i dunno how 2 live without my belonging dat i love so much...n now i lost it..
at least i still can breathe.. i shud appreciate dat..
n never give up- wish me luck 4 my xam 2morrow-. ;)

[MNF 1] to four

so here it goes..

feel glad having frens like u all.. thanks 4 da support..

now im having a new spirit...

feels so weird not updatin da blog since my internet connection is sucks...lol ;P

n now im using my friend's internet...

but no worries, she won't know anytin...

so, i restart my MNF..i know its 2 late, but better late than never ryte?? haha

yesterday, ive got dis huge stomache dat i thought it will go away by eating, but i was wrong...

da stomache bcame worse till nyte..

i restart da MNF today... i will called it MNF 1 to 4- *four stand for da official MNF..see, im left behind!!*

i will try not 2 give up..2gether we try 2 b strong...

i woke up, then we go 2 class...

but just for 1 hour...then me n my friends went 2 dis restaurant..

they ordered bread dat is really large..each time they offered me, i said im havin' stomache *now i know da tricks really works..lol ;)*

i just ordered some desserts dat is like a juice, * i dunno how 2 describe it, but for sure, its not a solid food..yay again..*

then, went back home, i slept cos im tired..n still had da stomache even after taking meds...

i bought a new green tea mint..i wonder how it feel n smell...hehe

now da days had turn into nyte, i know i can do dis..

n so do u... if u ever wanna give up, remember...

everyday dat i succeed, i get 1 day closer 2 my goal...

fill up ur time by pilates, yoga, talking with ur frens...or mybe some homeworks *though i know we're 2 lazy 4 dat*..haha

s0, all da best fellas.love u all

-gottabsomebody-

SCREW ME

here it goes...da almost perfect MNF 2nd day..

woke up at noon...
again, i skipped class...lol ;)
but not bcause of da day, just bcause me n other friends got some unsettled stuff with the uni, so we're 2 lazy to go to class...

so, here it goes..
my housemate decided 2 cook 'chicken rice' 2day, so i did get away by telling her dat ive got other plan 2 go out..ate with my other buddies..
then, everyting did go well..
i ate notin, except just drink some water..n juice..
when it comes 2 nyte, my housemate decided 2 postponed da 'chicken rice' plan 2 tomorrow..
n in my head i was like 'wat a crap..omg..plan2, please come...'
n i was blank..cos 2morrow is holiday 4 us, how do i want 2 escape without staying home???

at nyte, yeah..went out with my buddies..
i ordered sweet corn blended juice n my buddy ordered borio blended juice n fried rice..
then here we go..we kept talking n talking...
so sudden she tried 2 feed me n i refuse..many times..
then, she said 2 me so loudly, 'hey dear, u're already thin enough ok..u look like u had lose some weight since da last time i saw u..u look kinda skinny..'
n in my head,'yeah ryte, lol..thin,skinny..nahhh??'
she said again, 'plis eat 4 me...its 4 my birthday.. just few spoons, PLEASE'
then u know wat happened next...

i rush home..n made dis laxative indicated herbal tea...
n all of wat she feed me did came out from my body...
feel glad~ but SCREW ME..i ruined my MNF

im a loser am i??? how about 2morrow?? how about da 'chicken' plan??
now im left out..if i start back da day after 2morow..i'll be late n such a failure ryte??
still i did weight before i went out with my buddy..
n i lose 1kg..only 1kg..i just dun get it..

-iknowonlymecanfixmysystem-

[da tinyhungerpoint 1]

yeah- MNF midsummer's night fast
here it comes

2day start..i skipped class
but i did went 2 practical class in the midnoon till evening
friends offered me lots of food
i really do know how 2 say no~ lol ;D
so, now..just a few ticking hours 2 go...

im gonna be fine..yes i will...
n i am now...
just having some guava juice n lots of water..

this is my first time doing dis..i have 2 set my mind..
it may be the beggining..but not the end..
2 all..thnks..n lets be part from each other..
lets be somebody.pretty thin.